The Bad Imperfect Mum

I must confess I’m not a good mum. I love my kids dearly, and I always indulged them in little treats and give in to their requests quite easily and sometimes even over spoilt them. But still I’m not a good mum.

The experts say:
1> Let the kids explore. Don’t make a big fuss over their little mistake or mishap
2> Listen to your kid’s cue
3> Don’t show your emotion to your kids and don’t be temperament with
your kids
4> Be consistent with whatever you do with your kids
5> Don’t be afraid to let your kids try new things.
6> Don’t push your child away

I know all the parenting rules, but how well have I put it into use? How often have I put it into practise? Certainly not as often and consistent as I hope to. I’m certainly am not liberal and open minded as I wish to be.

Examples:

JS: Mummy, read story. / Mummy, play with me
ME: No, mummy tired. Later. / No, mummy’s busy now, don’t disturb./No, mummy doing things, can’t you go play by yourself. (Sometimes I even grumble or talk in a not so nice tone)

So often I would say
“No, Don’t touch that, it’s dangerous”, “No, you can’t do that, after messy” “No, You will fall/hurt yourself”, “No, you will spoilt it, let mummy do for you”
Instead of showing my kids especially JS the proper way to handle things, I’m depriving them a chance to explore and learn new things. Somehow, I’m supressing their curiosities and inquisitivities. I know the fall side, the more I stop them, they might lost interest eventually, or they might just sneak to do it, which is worst, because sometimes accident can happen if they curi-curi do the things you stop them to do.

JS’s whining, crying unreasonably. I got irritated easily and will scold her. “Stop your nonsence”, “Stop crying” “Stop, being unreasonable” and nag nag nag nag.
This happen very often and I always failed to be calmed enough to sooth her. Young kids whine, because they want attention, because they do not know how to express themself, their frust, their insecurity. As parents, we should try to listen, guide them to tell their feelings, instead of just scold and brush them aside. Fall side of my reaction, JS might keep things to herself and not wanting to share with me. I’m building a wall in between us and eventually we will stop to communicate, just like what happen to me and my parents.

I use threat and bribe. “If you don’t …. , mummy will not let you do… “, “you eat first, then mummy will … “

When JS misbehaved sometimes I would even say “Mummy don’t love you, mummy will love didi more”. (Something you shouldn’t say at all as a parent!!)

Sometimes after a good scolding, I will just ignore JS and leave her alone. The worst that had happened was that I didn’t talk to her for 1 whole day and she knows I’m angry and she dare not even come to me.

Hubby: why mummy never talk to you
JS: because mummy angry
Hubby: why angry?
JS: because I naughty
Hubby: Why you naughty and make mummy angry? Why you never listen to mummy?
JS: because I naughty
Hubby: Go say sorry and cannot be naughty naughty again
JS: OK

Ever since I took over taking care of JS full time when she was 18th months old until now she’s 3. I had given her a good beating of 5 times. These were the times that she threw up a huge temper, throwing a big tantrum which I couldn’t tolerate. I slapped her hard and hit her all over the body (But still I’m calm enough not to shake or hit her head), it leaves a good red prints on her delicate white skins. No matter how intolerable I was, my parents has not beaten me once, not even canning me. Think of it now, really makes me guilty, guilty , guilty.

During those moody days and bad days (Sometimes after quarel with hubby), tiny little mishap JS did will seems like a big crime to me and naturally she would be the one I flares up at . Pity little girl.

Parenting is certainly hard and we are learning everyday on how to be a better parents and how not to cross the border of over indulging and spoilt our kids. I’m learning to be more mindful and more patient for not repeating my mistake, for not getting angry at my kids easily. I’m learning to listen to them more carefully, I’m trying not to push my girl away when I’m angry (now I will just show my angry face for 5 minutes then I will sit JS on my lap and tell her why I was angry and why she’s not allow to do what she did), I’m trying to talk to them, to reason to them , instead of just stopping them and endless nagging and scolding. There’s still a long way to go, and I must must be mindful not to be short tempered and flares up easily.

I have learned a new trick. Whenever JS does not follow my instruction. I would say “JS, you don’t love mummy ah? Why never listen to me?” JS will certainly answer “I love mummy, sorry mummy, i will listen to mummy” Geez… it works