Such A Lousy Weekend

I had such a lousy weekend. I need to vent, vent, vent, vent, vent. I had a fight with dear hubby this afternoon and I’m still feeling very down. I need a place to vent and rant. I need to let it out. I feel like crying out loud but how and where? Do loving married couple argue? Do they have disagreement? Am I such a lousy wife, inconsiderate wife? Am I such a bad mum? Is staying at home, giving up my job really something for me? Am I truly really ready for staying at home full time? I love my hubby dearly, and yet how come we can’t advoid this heated argument?

As usual we had our weekend back in Subang. Dear hubby got the habit of leaving the kids and me alone at my in-law’s or SIL’s house and he would be out running errands or god’s know where he goes. I always feel awkard at my in-laws place, I never feel at ease or at home there without my hubby around. Times seems to past by slowly leaving me and the kids stranded there. Saturday after we reached at 10.30am, dear hubby left in-law’s place at 11.00 am sending both his sisters out running errands, they didn’t come back until 12. We had a little family time ( we went to 1U with my in-laws) , when we got back at 3, I was busy putting the kids to nap and at this time, dear hubby went out again without telling me he’s going out and without telling me where he’s going. He came back at 7 and didn’t bother to tell me where he has gone to. We then went back to SIL#2’s place after dinner. Somehow we failed to talk.

This morning, dear hubby went out at 7 to fetch FIL for breakfast. ( This is his usual weekend ritual), by right he should be back by 10am the lastest, but he didn’t. SIL and me failed to contact him over the phone. SIL asked me where did dear hubby went, but I had no idea. Sent him SMS, but no reply. At around 12, SIL told me dear hubby is on his way back. I started to lost my temper a bit. Was furious , because first he didn’t tell me where he go. 2nd, he failed to reply my sms. 3rd, he rather talk to his sister than to his wife!!!!!!

I think I was the one started the fire when on the way back to Seremban. Such a shame that we even argued in front of the maid. I really felt very low and no self worth. I start to have doubt. I’m thinking, maybe if I can contribute part of the family income, I might be more respected. I am someone very easy to please, I’m willing to sascrifice my career to look after the family. I always place my husband and my kids interest before mine. Maybe what I do doesn’t seems a great deal. (Yeah.. it’s part of a housewife role), what I want is a little token of appreciation, a little gratitude, a little respect. But I really don’t feel like I have been getting any. Dear hubby gets to go out any time he wants, he gets to go out for a drink with his colleague, he gets to go facial, hairwash, he gets to go golfing, he gets to go shopping without dragging the kids along, he gets to go anywhere , anytime he wants, because the wife is there to look after the kids ( of course I have no complaint. He needs to de-stress, he needs to socialize) but the contradicting side of me feel like I’m stranded at home with the kids 24×7, and so much so not appreciated. Dear hubby said that he has given me a maid, I can go out any time I want too. But still, easy said than done. I have so much to consider if I have to plan for an outing myself. I couldn’t leave the kids with the maid alone, have to consider their meal, their nap, etc etc. Weekends if I were to go out, I need to see that dear hubby has got no outing himself and that we are not spending time in Subang with dear hubby’s family. We just don’t spent enough time together. Just the 4 of us and it has since such a long time since we have a good heart to heart talk and spent time for just the 2 of us. Am I expecting too much??

After we arrived home, I dressed myself up and drove out. I spent a good 5 hours wandering outside alone. Did I feel good?? No, I missed my kids and worried about them. When I got home, JS was excited to see me. She surely missed me alot. She shows me all the drawing and colouring she has done. She talks in such a well behaved and matured way. She knows something is not right and tried very hard to cheer me up. She told me about her feeding herself dinner, she told me she never cry, she told me all sort of things she did when I was away.

JS: mummy, mummy, smile lah.
JS: mummy, mummy, see, I let you go to work ( When I was away, she assumed that I went to work)
JS: mummy, don’t be sad. mummy, don’t be angry

Even when in the car this afternoon, she said something quite funny.
JS: mummy, why you angry?
ME: yea, mummy sad
JS: (did funny thing) mummy, see I do funny thing already. Smile lah
JS: If you not happy, married again loh.. and can have 3 babies somemore (Somehow, sometime back, I had jokingly asked dear hubby, “if you don’t love me, why married me.” JS also asked why people married. I told her we married because of love i.e mummy loves daddy, daddy loves mummy then get married and then have baby”, she has not truly understand the meaning of married, she thinks that being married as to be together with each other)
JS: Mummy, you cannot go back to work. Mummy, you must stay home look after me.

JS’s is quite a sensible girl, feel sorry that mummy is in such a bad mood today. I have two adorable kids and I get to stay home and spent time with them, what else I ask for?

P/S: It’s 12.30am now, 3 1/2 hours after I’ve got home. Hubby make no attempt to make over. He’s snoring his way in dreamland. I had given him a sorry card, but he’s still not in term of talking. I miss those lovey dovey days.)