I am feeling so depress now until I feel like crying. I lost my temper again and yelled at JS and I actually pity her, and she look so “kelian” and hurt. She usually become the victim of my short temperness. There is so much mixed thoughts in me that I can’t control myself and my patient with her is thinning. And also my expectation on her is high, super high and after comparing her with other kids around her age, after reading MG’s and Twinmom’s blog on their girls, I get a little dissapointed with her pace. (Sign of my kiasu-ism again… gosh…how can I stop that!! Maybe I should stop reading blog)
There is so much gathering up in me and the little things she does not comply makes me erupted.
1st, hubby’s car has been sent to the workshop in KL for a main repair. It would probably take 2 months to fix it. Now I’m left with no transport. Kind of like imprisoned in my own home cannot go anywhere, the lost of freedom to go out is unthinkable. Don’t know how I’m going to survive. Sometimes we take this little things for granted, never realize how lucky I’m to actually have a car to move around. Now I’m as if loosing my legs.
2nd, JS has been quarantined at home for a week from school because of poor health. Now without transport, which mean she’s going to stay home longer. The prospect of her missing school is also making me depress, thinking of how much she will loose out. Of course I can arrange for school transport but I know her, that she wouldn’t board a stranger’s car without me in it, that would be another struggle. I still can’t figure out a best way. I wanted JS so much to go school.
3rd, I have taken back school work for JS to do at home. Hoping to do some homeschooling with her. But I realize a lot of time she cannot focus and I tend to lost my temper and yelled at her. The more I get frustrated , the more she’s loosing interest. I don’t know how to teach her, I really really need to take up an early childhood education course so that I know how to teach my kids and I need to know professionally what is capable for a 40 months old kids to do and what to expect. I really get very very frustrated not being able to guide her properly.
4th, my attempt to wean JS from the bottle failed. After 3 days, I gave in to her. I know she’s hungry most of the time, but she refuse to eat and refuse to drink from the cup. With less milk intake, her food intake did not increase and yet she’s constanly looking for things to eat, but whatever we offer her, she just don’t eat much and constanly in hunger. I feel that I’m a terrible failure in raising my kids
5th, WH’s cough has not improved. No way feeding him medicine and he’s such a stubborn little boy. Because he’s not well, he’s constanly stuck to me. I’m really feeling very very tire of nursing him. The tugging and pulling cause alot of soreness and again my attempt to wean him from breast has not even progress.
Overall I feel myself very very incapable and there seems to be not enough time to do the things I wanted to do. The kids clothing needs to be “spring cleaned” , alot of it the kids has already outgrown them, but no time to sort it out yet. I wish to spent more time with my kids, playing with them, coach them, do more meaningful activities together, instead of just let them play by themself or on the TV for them, I wish to have more time to browse through the recipe books and cook up a more sumptious meal for hubby and cook up something more fun for the kids and also do more baking, but not enough time also. On top of wishing doing all the above , I wish I still have ample time to blog and surf net, but it’s kind of impossible to juggle between my “hobby” and my duty. I FEEL SO LOUSY AND INCAPABLE because I have a maid to lessen my burden and yet I still find not enough time to do many things. Such a lousy day to feel so lousy. I feel that I’m not a good mother and I don’t know how to teach my kids. Because my expectation is high, and I get frustrated easily. No matter how many times I remind myself not to show my emotion in front of the kids, not to lost my temper, but again many times I’m not mindful ( I realize JS’s has pick up the tone of me scolding her, and she uses the same tone to scold her brother or the maid). I know it’s going to leave a scar on her little pride and alot of damage has been done. I wish I have not have such a outbreak, but how to compesate beside hugging and kissing her and say sorry??
Posted by dragonmummy 
