Boring Sunday

It’s Sunday.
It’s Mother’s Day
To me,
It’s just like any normal day.
With the kids napping and hubby at work
I’m sitting in front of the PC ranting.
A while more would be time to prepare dinner
Such a boring day.

Thinking Of Mum On This Mother’s Day

雁阵儿飞来飞去白云里
经过那万里可曾看仔细
雁儿呀我想问你
我的母亲可有消息
秋风哪吹得枫叶乱飘荡
嘘寒呀问暖缺少那娘亲
母亲呀我要问你
天涯茫茫你在何方
明知道那黄泉难归
我们仍在痴心等待
我的母亲呀等着你
等着你等你入梦来
儿时的情景似梦般依稀
母爱的温暖永难忘记
母亲呀我真想你
恨不能够时光倒移

When my brother and me were still very young, dad will always sing this song to us to lull us to sleep whenever mum had to travel to Ipoh or KL from our hometown Teluk Intan for training during the school holiday. The song is about someone who miss her mum who has passed on, but dad still sing this song to us and told us that unlike the girl in the song that the mum will never come back, our mum will be back with us soon.
My Beloved Mum and Me

Miss mum a lot on this Mother’s Day, as I’m not able to go back to Puchong to spent time with her. And I have got nothing to give my mum on this special day as well. Called mum last night, mum said she will come over a spent a few days with us during the school holiday as we got no transport to go back to KL as often as we use to.

Mum is a very soft person by nature. A submissive wife to my “tai lam yan” father. As much as she would like to side on my brother or me, most of the time she has to obey my father. (Sometimes she would get scolding from dad for siding on us). For 30 over years mum has been a kindy worker. Now that she’s in her late fifty, she has still not slow down in pace, on top of her kindy job, she’s also giving tuition. Sometimes it makes me worry, I wish she could slow down and rest more, but she said that with my dad and bro at work and at school, she finds it boring to be home alone. 看见母亲这么操劳, 心很酸.

Things I remember about mum during my childhood
1) Mum always have heaps of workbooks to mark and prepare
2) Every weekend she had to attend to meeting and extra dance classes for her students.
3) Mum is always there to do revision with me every night during my primary school days
4) Mum read us bed time story everyday
5) Every weekend mum drive us to grandma house for chit chat , we go shopping with little aunt or bake at home
6) Mum has never lay her hand on us. No rotan in our childhood.
7) Every weekend mum will ride the motorbike out to wetmarket and I would be looking at the clock waiting for her to be back. Get very anxious if she take longer than usual to be back

During my teen years I was very rebellious and I tend to keep things to myself. I keep blaming mum for not being understanding and eventhough our relationship was not tense, but I just shut myself out from my parents. Things only improve after I started working. Now that I’m a mum myself, I can see what a heartbreak that I have caused my parents and how my mum must have felt during those years. Mum only became my confidence when I have my own kids

Now that I’m married with kids of my own, my parents home is still wide open to shelter me during those “stormy” time. I appreciated her so much more when I had my Post Natal Blues twice and I would call mum and talk to her whenever I feel depress. Mum had taken leave to take care of me during my confinement when WH is delivered after the 1st bad experience without her. Mum is someone that place other people interest above her own and very understanding. I know she would really love the grandkids and me to visit her more often, but she knows my obligation to my hubby and his family, she has never really make a fuss. Instead she would say that she’s so busy, it’s ok that we dont go back.

During times that mum visits us in Sban, she would take the train down from PJ. We would try to sent her back to Puchong during the end of her visit. On times that we were not able to, I would have to sent her to the train station for her to catch a train back home. Each time I see her walking into the train station, I have a feeling of lost. I feel the emptiness without her, the feeling drags on until I’m home , the house seems so much quieter without her. It always take a day for me to get over that feeling.

Oh….I miss my mum so much now.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, MA!

Feeling Unloved

Why do I have so much negative things to blog about? On my appearence one will think I’m a happy lot with a smilling face all the time, but deep down in side seems like that are thousand of things bothering me. Hubby is the one with the serious look ( he wasn’t like that before, at least from my observation) and it affected my mood alot whenever I look at his serious face. I constantly wonderingd whether if it’s me that he’s not happy with. Have I done something wrong?? I feel the change in him ever after I quit my job and become a SAHM, now that with a maid, it’s even worst. Perhaps he’s thinking that I’m so incapable and not a supermom that can cook, care of the kids perfectly and run a household in a tip top condition all by myself. He’s expecting of higher standard with a maid’s assistance. He always said that I’m so lucky to have a maid and that how my grandparents and my mum survived with kids without a maid. He compares me with other mum that has got no maid. I find him more loving during the 5 months when I’ve to struggle alone with 2 kids without a maid, he loves me more when I was pregnant, working and staying alone in PJ taking care of JS by myself when he had just started his new job in S’ban. The downside of having a maid is also that hubby tend to get less involve with the kids. Yes, he still does play with them, but not as involve as other dads that I know of. I know he loves them, but he doesn’t really show the excitment or any emotion when they did funny things or achieve certain milestone. I feel that he’s so distant. When the kids did something funny, sometimes I see an expressionless face in him. I feel hubby love me less since my become a SAHM. I feel that he thinks I’m leading a easy life by staying at home taking care of the kids while he brings back the bacon. He’s expecting more from me since I’m sharing his hard earn income (but I dont just bank in the his “salary” to me as a saving or spent it on my own leisure, the “salary” is spent on utility bills, household items, food, medical, insurances and petrol, I’m actually peniless). He’s expecting me to be the “Stepford Wife” , who will greets him, open the door for him when he comes back from work, take off his shoes for him, perhaps bath him and scrub his back. A good wife that can prepare delicious meals, provide good massage, a good wife that can keep the kids in control when he’s at home (no screaming, throwing tantrum kids) , a good wife that can clean the house, keep it in tip top condition, a good wife that can teach the kids to be more well behaved. I cannot only deemed to be a good housewife if I obtain the above criteria, best still without the help of a maid. That’s what makes me feel like being a career women is easier than be a perfect housewife. Sometimes during this very down moment, I wish I could have a job. I wish to be out working and bring back some money for my own. (It’s not so much on how much I can earn, it’s the respect that I will get from hubby. I feel more self confidence in that sense. Perhaps more self worth if I’m working). I think he would love me more in that sense. It makes me want to go back to work again, let me sent both kids to kindy next year when the maid’s contract end next year so I can start work again. But my worst fear is to hand over my kids under my MIL’s care. I really don’t want her to be involved (mum did offer to quit her job to help me take care of my kids, but i feel a bit unfair to ask her quit her job as she enjoys it so much, she has done so much for me and now with my kids I want her to enjoy them instead of bagging in the heavy responsility of raising them). And also if I started working again next year, means no more babies for me. I guess one can never get all what they expected. I stay home for the kids sake, but I don’t always feel appreciated and love. What makes me feel so lousy is that I cannot even make my hubby happy. I feel like it’s my fault, my incapability of not able to meet his standard. Everytime I see his serious face, I feel lousy and unloved.