Walking Towards The Wrong Path – A Mother’s Worries

*This is yet another depressing post. Almost every weekend after spending time back at the in-laws, there were alot happenings that made me depress and unhappy. This time is about JS’s behaviour*

JS threw tantrum and tested her limits again today (Sunday afternoon) and was really a bad one. She cried so hard and so long until she vomitted. She only does that when SILs or PILs are around, because she knows she can certainly get by her way. JS has been very very very spoilt by the grandparents and her Ku Mas (without them realizing it), they might think is a little pampered, a little indulgent, but it’s making her no good. They think she’s still young, reasoning does not work. But if we don’t start now, then it would be too late. She would be die hard stubborn. And I don’t want her to set a bad example to her brother.

There are a few personalities that I see in her that make me very worried. I get frustrated when she reacts like that. Really frustrated, I even cried when I look at her, think about it. I cried, I feel depressed, I feel frustrated. I can see her walking towards the wrong path, and yet I fail to guide her back on the right track, I failed to shape her into a well rounded, well behaved girl. She’s self centered, stubborn, greedy, rude, no manners, does not takes NO, does not follow instructions and not obedient and is bossy. (At home with me, she can be a sweet angel and even sometimes she ill behaved, it has never been the extreme of the above mentioned characters) I’m worried of her future, I cannot see that she can be successful in life if she doesn’t change her behaviour. I tried to explain to her the right way whenever possible, be it after reading the newspaper or by any chance that I stumble upon that I can give her a good lesson of life. But I don’t know how much she has taken in.

Life is too easy for JS. Anything she wants, she gets it, if things doesn’t go her way, she cried , and just a little twist of face, the grandparents and aunties will give in to her way. PILs would said, don’t let her cry, after will vomit. SIL is basically scare of her cry, the hassle of the noices, and they just love her to much. She’s the queen of the household. Sometimes I just close an eye and let it be, but sometimes it’s really too much to bear. She doesn’t even listen to me and forgotten about her mummy when she’s with her grandparents and aunties. When she wants something and knows that she won’t get from hubby or me, she knows where and who to turns to. My in-laws sometimes does stand by me when I said no to her, but they are not firm and they seldom give valid reasoning, but white lies. JS will cry harder to try get attention and get her way. She would cry and cry and cry and just won’t listen to me and I cannot teach, scold or lecture her, usually I just kept quiet (No point of scolding her in front of the in-laws, she would cry harder. And if I scolded her or raise my voice, the in-laws would think that I’m short tempered, always scold their precious gem. Whatever lecturing needs to be done has to be without their presence). Usually I would just ignore her when she cried that way, but the in-laws will really tried all sort to calm her down which would make her cried harder. I want to scream,”Leave her alone, let her be” (But that would be too rude to do so), that’s when I got even more frustrated. I’m just lost and lonely. (Lonely because I don’t always get my hubby’s support). I’m worried, I can forsee what I have to go through during her teens, the heartbreak that I’m going to get. I’m worried that my girl will love me less, because I’m strict, because I set rules and limitations, I’m scared she will think that I’m against her and that she would turn to her aunties and grandparents later on. (Of course she still needs me now, but what if she’s older and no more dependent on me, she chooses them over me??)

I set rules, limitations , I want to be firmed but I don’t get the support from the rest of the family. I’m worry, real life is never that smooth sailing and nothing comes easy. JS has been having such an easy life, until she thinks that whatever she wants she can just get it by asking and not working hard for it. Because thing comes easily, she doesn’t know how to appreciate and be grateful. How is she going to cope when she attend school and worst in the later part of her life. She doesn’t even know the hard way and challenge. Certainly there would be a lot of bumps and there are always people more superior than her. How can I make her less self centered. I want her to know nothing comes easy and it can never always be the way she wants it. How can I teach her to be loving, sharing and selfless and thoughtful. Perhaps I should send her to outward bound school or camp and start getting her do charity/volunteer work soon.

I’m angry with hubby. Very angry. Because he sees that as my fault. Each time when we talk about JS’s behaviour, I end up getting furious at him. Because he would keep on saying ” see, what happen now when you don’t listen to me earlier. See I told you, you gave her too much face”. Why, why am I solely to be blamed, to be held responsible over. Isn’t he the father, isn’t he who suppose to be the displinary as well? He said that JS spent most of the time with me, so I’m the one who shaped her characteristic. He said that I’ve given JS face since day one, because I never listen to him. But that’s not true, because he himself also spoilt the kids and hardly involve in displinenary. (He said because I insist on my way and to avoid argument he leave me alone to have my way to bring up the kids and hence seldom involve) He said that influences by his parents and SILs had on JS is minimal when we only see them weekly. I’m angry with hubby, because he said it in a way as if I’m solely responsible for it, as if he’s not part of the kids upbringing, he said it in a way that I’m single handly bringing up and raising the kids and he talks as an outsider. I wanted to talk to him and maybe get some support, maybe we can find a way to work it out, but he said “what are you going to do about it”, JS is not MY girl, is our girl. When she’s wrong, can’t he open his mouth and correct her? I cannot stop the kids from being around my In-laws, then they will think I’m against them, afterall, we still a family, afterall, they adores the kids. But what am I going to do, walking this lonely journey of shaping my girl into a well behaved, well rounded angel?