Walking Out Of The Blue

I have not posted anything on my blog the past few days. I have written something, but it sounded too depressing to have posted it. I have been eaten up by my own blues for almost a week now, hitting at all the corners (钻牛角尖) and not able to get over it. Mum was here on Tuesday and gone back yesterday morning. Her pressence did help to lift up a little weight but there are things that I don’t want her to worry and don’t know how to tell her. 心里有很多委屈. I did cry a little, but in front of her, I try to act/pretend to be normal. I am very sad to sent her off to the train station yesterday.

When I was down and blue, the one that usually suffer most is JS. Because she doesn’t have the bubbly character, because she cries a lot. Every single whine and every little things she does that’s not right or caused WH to cry, I get irritated and annoyed and I could just flares up and yelled at her. I talked to her in a harsh and denial tone. It’s like a punishment to her for causing all the blues, I kept telling her I love WH more and that the more she cries, the lesser I would love her. I’m sending her alot of confusing behaviour. I know that my reaction will cause a lot of emotional damage, but I cannot control myself. Actions and thoughts just couldn’t cooperate. I basically ignored and neglected her the past few days. She slept by herself, we didn’t do our pre-bedtime ritual of story reading, chatting, cuddling and massaging. There were alot of tension in the house and I think she can sense it. She kept telling me she loves me, she did attempt to pat and comfort me and tried to hug me, but I was just not moved. I am also feeling quite disheartened and dissapointed with the Man of the house that has not shown any concern and care towards my feeling. Good thing mum was here to spent time with the kids. The problem with me is I don’t know how to control my emotion in front of the kids. If I feel unloved, I feel worthless and I cannot be a loving and happy mother to my kids. How true is it that when the family is tense and unharmonious, we are not able to raise a emotionaly healthy child.

I’m thankful for my little aunt who has been following my blog, her mail was comforting and she even called from Down Under to talk to me. I appreciate that alot. I’m slowly walking out of my blues now though there is still some dissapointment that makes me feel like walking out of this house.