Parenting Easy Way Out

I’ve read this in the Parenting section of the newspaper today where a mother wrote to Ruth:

I have a boy aged 13 and a girl aged 10. My Filipino maid has been with me for 10 years and she will be returning home for good in Jan 2007.

My daughter was brought up by my maid. She is very close to her and has been sleeping with her in the same bedroom. As she grows, my daughter shares many common interests such as music and books with her. Sometimes, she would tell her secrets that she keeps from me because she is afraid that I might get angry…..

As I’m reading it. This cross my mind. Whose fault is it? This whole situation can be avoided totally if the mother has stepped in and do something to it at a very early stage. This situation should have been forseen earlier on and the parents can spare the kids from the anguish that the situation might put them in.

I know many mothers have no choice but to leave their kids with domestic help. But I personally feel that as a parent, one cannot just throw the whole child care and child raising tasks to the domestic help. A working mum might be very tired after work, but this cannot be an excuse to not bear the responsibility of taking care of her own children after working hours. There is no easy way out in parenting and certainly no money can buy it. I dont understand why many parents will allow their kids to sleep with the maid (with exception that there is not enough rooms in the house)

A domestic help will never be part of the family. Sooner or latter,  they will leave for their own good. This is a fact. Why from the very beginning , a parent would allow such a strong bond to be build up and later wants their children to go through the separation anxiety? All this can be spared if the parents has taken the initiative in an early stage to strike a balance of bonding with their children. This mother certainly knows that her girl has shared a closer bond with the maid, but why hasnt she done something remedial to catch up the bonding with her daughter from the very first moment she notices that?

Sometimes I really wonder, why at the first place want to give birth at all but dont want to take the responsibility of caring their own offspring.

I see this in my neighbour. The girl of JS’s age is taken care by her grandmother from day 1. The mother just doesn’t care a damn about her. Every responsibility of raising her and her basic cares and needs has been pushed to her MIL. She’s also very biased towards her son than her daughter. This little girl is very much neglected by her mother but deeply loved by her grandparents. I see with my own eyes the unfair treatments of her from her mother. The girl is certainly not closed to her mother. A very sad true case. I pity the girl, because she never get the love and attention from her mother.

Finally….

JS’s school term will only end in the 2nd week of December, but I have finally made up my mind to pull her out from this crappy school for good before term end. 

It took me so long to finally made up my mind. I’ve never listen to my girl’s cue that she really didn’t enjoy her school. There were many times I’m contemplating to stop her and even hubby also suggest me to pull her out. But I guess due to my own stubborness and selfish reasoning, I have not done so earlier.

Even before I’ve made up my mind last week, I was still hesistating much. It’s already so near to term end, I dont want JS to have the feeling that it’s ok to stop/give up without completing the whole cycle (as the chinese say “ban tu er fei”)  if she doesn’t like it or things doesn’t go well. I’ve been telling her over and over again, holiday will be coming soon, and next year she could go to a school that she likes.

I thought 1 1/2 months minus 1 weeks raya holidays minus 2 weeks that I will be back in KL doing my workshop, the most is that she will be spending another 3 weeks in school. But again, these 3 weeks might be another long torture that she might have to endure. I admit it’s already my fault and wrong to make her stay and never listen to her cues, I guess it’s  time to really consider her feelings.

JS doesnt like this school. The very main reason being that she dislike Indians. Sorry… I’m not a racist and I’ve never brain washed her to discrimate the Indians. (actually no one in the family has ever brain washed her that way, I’ve a uncle who is Indian which we respect and likes him, so I dont know how come JS is so not able to adapt) She just feel very uncomfortable naturally with people that is superly tanned. Initially I thought this is just a minor issue, I thought sooner or later she would get use to migling with the other races…she has no problem with Malays…but after almost a year, I still see no changes in her, she still dislike Indians. I see her discomfort and even fear but of course many times I try to overlooked it and try to teach her to accept the other races.

Many times, she would come to me and complaint “so and so ” beat her, bully her… even in her Mandarin enrichment class. Initially there were only chinese students, lately an Indian girl joined, from that moment on, everytime finished class she would tell me that Indian girl bullied her, pushed her etc etc. I really dont know what and how else I can assure her that her Indian friends is just trying to be friendly to her just like her Malays and Chinese friends. She seems to have no problem with her best friend Vase…who is fairer.

She’s also very uncomfortable with most her teachers. Of course over the months she tried to adapt but some of the times I can still see her reluctance to go with the teachers.

What makes me finally decide to stop her beside seeing all her anguish that she has not overcome over the months is that lately I have also noticed that her class size of 8 has dwindled. Maybe is due to the haze… some days there would be only 4 students in her class and usually her best friend is not there. This make her even feel more discomfort and insecure without the comfort pressence of her best friend.

There’s this new teacher that replaced JS’s favourite teacher which left few months ago. She’s very rough. Even myself dont feel comfortable under her pressence.

Lately the teachers are getting very disorganized. During circle time/busy bee time, when the kids would show and tell, only 1 teacher is in charge and not fully paying attention to the kids. The other teachers would be busy doing their own work instead of gathering with all the students. I personally feel that what ever the teacher needs to be done, it should be prepared before and after schooling hour which is 9am – 12 pm. Once the class starts at 9am all the teachers should be sitting with all the children for the assembly and circle time and not busy with their individual chores. Lately I also notice the teachers are lack of interest and dedication in the kids. Everything done is very “hastically” (ma hu) and not whole heartedly. (tak ada hati) I dont know why their attitude change towards the end of the years.

Lately the teachers also lack of a teacher’s composure and professionalism. There’s this Mandarin teacher that comes twice weekly. She is frequently making some funny jokes in Indian accent with all the Indian teachers in front of the students. From my observation, her action is really not appropriate in front of the students.

How to I know all this? Because I’m one busy body/kpc mother (and the only one too) that would spend up to 20 minutes, two to three time a weeks to observe JS’s behaviour and reaction in school. Also to see what’s going on and to get to know who is who (Usually I just hide behind the screen la)  Not too sure if the school finds me a nuisance.

Homeworks which were not marked. These 2 books has been in JS bag for 2 weeks and the teacher never even asked for her homework. (What’s the point of giving homework then) and sometimes I notice when there is new writing, the old one (previous page) were not marked too.

With all the above reasoning and observations, my decision is final, which also means she will not participate in the school end concert. Does she miss her school? Not a single bit. Maybe after the Raya break I shall sent her to her new school for trial class.  But i also know fairly well that in all the future schools, I might not be able to stick up nose around the corner and be a KPC.

All in all… I can say this is a bad choice, bad mistake I’ve made.  I really dont know in what state of mind I’ve made that decision and somemore so stubborn hold on to it for so many months.

Super Mummy

In the eyes of the kids, their mummy is always the superwomen that knows all the answers for their questions and the one that can fix almost everything they have spoilt or mess up with on top of the daily mother’s job of cooking and cleaning.

Recently WH has got more of the boy’s toys and requires fixing when he has dissemble it but too young to know how to assemble back. So it’s always “mummy fix”.

Frankly speaking, I really have no interest in all those boy toys and certainly not good at assembling all those gadgets.

We have bought WH a car that can transform into a robot for his birthday. Guess what…. i spent 2 hours trying to transform the robot back into the car. Each time when I wanted to give up , my boy will budge me to continue … (malu la..spending 2 hours on that simple thing)

I guess they will be more of this session in the future of fixing his boy toys….have to train up my skill in that area….

hey …wait…isn’t that suppose to be the job of a FATHER ???

Princess

The other day after reading Twinmom’s Not A Princess…I cant help but to write this down.

I like to treat my girl like a doll, a princess. I like to dress her up and also I like her play with all the girly toys like barbie doll and make up set. Mainly because mummy is a vain pot and these are the things that mummy used to play during her childhood days.  I want my girl to have the same fun and experience that I used to have and at the same time I’m also scared that if I dont let her play with all these, she will become a TOMBOY.

Though I treated her like a princess..but I dont allow her to act like a spoilt brat. In fact I keep telling her….

“you cannot be grumpy like that…princess always have a nice smile”

“you cannot snatch toys, princess never does and princess is very loving and kind”

“princess always brush their teeth nicely, so they get pearly white teeth”

“princess eats a lot of vege and fruits , so they have nice complexion”

hehe…this tricks work most of the time .

幸灾乐祸

These days I often reprimand WH when he misbehaved and when he tries his little mischives. I never reprimand him when he was younger, it’s usually JS who gets the scolding on quite a frequent basis. Now that when I scolded WH, JS would quickly act up to be goodie goodie girl and sided me.

She seems to have this little joy of seeing her brother being scolded. She would say ”Mummy, WH naughty , we dont talk to him” or “Mummy, you talk to me in a nice soft sound, talk to WH loud loud” or “Mummy, you play and sayang me…dont play with WH”

Not a very healthy sign…must really be mindful on my action when reprimanding them.

Marbled Chocolate Cheese Cake

Ingredients A

• 180g butter
• 20g cocoa powder, sifted
• 180g castor sugar
• 3 eggs
• 120g self-raising flour, sifted

Ingredients B

• 250g cream cheese
• 60g castor sugar
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 egg
• 1/2 cup water

Method

For ingredients A

1. Melt butter in a saucepan, add cocao powder and mix well. Cool slightly and beat in castor sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time. Lastly mix in flour. Pour into a greased tin and bake at 170C for about 15 minutes (half cooked)

For ingredients B

1. Mix all the ingredients together and beat well. Pour over A and swirl through with a small knife for marbled effect. Return to oven and continue to bake till golden brown.

Random Thoughts

I always thought that teaching pre-schooler/toddler is an easy job and I thought I could really spent time to do home school, play with my kids. But boy…I’m so wrong. Maybe I’m lack of patient and consistency and I think I’m a very lazy person too. Maybe teaching other people’s children is easier than teaching my own kids.

Someday I find the right way to teach JS, coach her and do revision with her, but other days the same method will not work, I still haven’t find tune a perfect way to coach her.

Someday I’m just so focus and enthusiasted and have so much ideas in my mind on what to do with them, but sometimes I just lack the interest (maybe should say plain lazy) that I just brushed them aside and get them to play by themselves or just watch the TV. That makes me very guilty.

Now I understand why so many parents sent their kids for extra lessons…maybe they are just lazy like me and trying to get a easy way out by pushing the responsibility to tuition centers and child enrichment centers. Isn’t that what I’m doing now? Instead of putting in more effort, time and attention to JS, I’m pushing her off to one after another classes and yet I’m complaining about driving around, spending time on the road…how ironic and contradicting thoughts.

A year of schooling almost ending, but I can see that JS has not fully comprehend what is taught in school. Initially I just want her to go socialize and not so much emphazise on academic, but when I look at her achievements, I can’t help to my this dissapointment in me.  Naturally I blame it on the school system, everything is taught too hastically in order to finish off the syllabus instead of making sure the children knows and fully comprehend everything that is taught (Phonics, suku kata, spellings, the words she has learn in school but still cannot recognize). She can recognize the words I taught her at home but whatever is learned in school doesn’t seems to have imprinted in her little mind.  But again, can I solely blame the school and teacher whereby I don’t even put in the effort to do revision with her. Of course again I have another excuse that I dont really know the syllabus and what is taught in school except the few writing homeworks (no text book is brought home)

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For the past few weeks, I tried to put aside everything and really concentrate on the kids, really sit down and spent time with full concentration/attention (which means no blogging in mind, no thinking of what to cook). I felt good for a while, as if a big accomplishment on really concentrating on the kids…but really, I don’t have the consistency to do that daily. By doing so, means I will neglect other things like hubby and the household stuff and of course my course work and my “ME TIME” of sitting in front of the PC blogging and blog hopping and reading my books (yea…me a book worm) and I can even lack the momentum in doing other things like cooking/trying new recipes and other stuff…I can be so focus on the kids and I tend to neglect other things around me.

That makes me think, what’s my main objective of giving up my job. Obviously I give up my job to become SAHM (I gave up my job for my kids sake, not because I want to be a housewife) Which means my priority should be the kids and household stuff and cooking should come later (or is it by quiting office job, one have to take all the responsibility of taking care of the kids, household, husband, cook and chauffeur??). To think of it, have I been a good SAHM? I certainly have not excel in being a wife and a cook, have I done enough as a stay home mum?  Beside cooking nutritionus for them, see that they are well fed, nurture them, taking care of them physically, bathe them, put them to sleep and the routine bed time story,  have I actually done enough for them in their mental and emotional growth? By staying home, have I really spent enough quality time with them? Beside making my presence felt around them, what different have I made compare to them been taken care of by maid or grandparents if  what I do at home is just to spent most of my time in front of the PC or in the kitchen and on the road?  Maybe I’m very poor in time management, that’s why I failed to strike a balance in everything. I’m neither good in spending time caring them nor am I good in my housewife role. I really feel that I have not excel in mothering them and I certainly have not excel in cooking and taking care of my husband. Am I putting too much expectation in myself in my motherly role and housewife role?

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Sometimes I have so much in my mind about the things I want to complete and do and when I’m attending to my kids, I will be very impatient and I usually lost my cool easily. How many times have I warned myself to be patient…I can see that JS is picking up my temper and bad habit (it’s like a video recorder of her showing my bad days..that’s really scary and alarming). Always I have this thought that “Tomorrow, I will spent time with them” or “let me finish my assignment/blog first” and the tomorrow never comes because I’m just too addicted to the PC. This is one reason I hated myself and I see it as a failure in mothering them.

Stir-Fried Noodle

Simple noodle dish

Ingredients

• Fish cake, sliced thinly
• Chicken breast, sliced thinly
• Prawns (shelled and deveined)
• Crab stick
• Birthday noodle
• Chai Sim
• 1 egg

Seasonings

• stock
• 1 1/2 tsp dark soy sauce 
•  1 1/2 tsp light soy sauce
•  2 tsp sesame oil
• 2 tbsp oyster sauce
• 1 1/2 tbsp hua tiao cooking wine
• 1 tsp sugar
• pinch of salt to taste

Method

1. Heat up some oil, stir fry fish slices, cuttle fish, prawn, chicken till cooked and then add chai sim to fry further. Add crabsticks and beat in egg to scramble the egg. Fry well, remove and set aside
2. Heat up some oil, pour in seasonings and stir till it boils
3. Add stir fried ingredients and cooked birtday noodle. Continue to fry well. Serve

Weaning WH

I’m again attempting to wean WH from the breast. He will be two in less than 2 weeks time already. After he turned 18th month, there were a few times that I really wanted to give up breastfeeding him (especially during the time when he’s sick and wanted to nurse the whole night long, the time when I have sore nipples because of the pulling and tucking during feeding time and the time when I was just too tired from the night long feeding) but each time I never really get the heart to really stop it.

I dont have the will to stop it though one part of me is thinking that he’s so old already and should be off from the breast yet another side of me just “ng sei dak” to let go the special moment we share. The bond, so special when I hold him close to my heart. Of course not to forget to mention it’s the easiest way out to sooth him. Everytime he’s upset or cry, just have to quicly nurse him and he will immediately stop crying.

I dont like to see my kids cry. I can’t stand their cry when they are upset. It’s so heart breaking and also I’m afraid the cry when hubby is at home will disturb him.  I never allow WH to cry for long, because of that I find nursing the most useful way. Each time he cries, it’s automatically being nursed, that’s also why it makes weaning him so difficult.

For the past 2 nights, I didn’t nurse him to sleep. The first night, he did cry a little (usually I would have quickly nurse him when he started crying in the dark room because I’m afraid his cry will disturb hubby’s rest). I just patted him a little and surprisingly he stop crying in a short while. Maybe he’s too tired and eventually he felt asleep. But the first night, he did wake up in the middle of the night and conviniently I just nurse him as usual for a little while.

The whole morning, I tried to refrain myself from nursing him, of course it didn’t go very well. I just have this soft spot in my heart to give in to him.

2nd night, it took a little longer for him to fall asleep. Hubby and JS already deep in dreamland. I was lying there, pretend to be asleep.  He didn’t fuss, he didn’t ask for “nen nen”. He just rolled here and there on the bed. Kicking hubby a few times. He made all sort of sounds, gun… the driving vroom vroom sound. Tried to call “mummy, mummy” in all sort of funny tones….he even copied hubby’s snoring sound and start giggling. He talked to himself and finally he’s tired and he just rolled over me, put his little hand around me and fell asleep. He slept through the night and when he woke up in the morning, he didn’t ask for nen nen. (Though I was really tired, but I didn’t fall asleep, as long as any of the kids is still wide awake and not lying down still, I’m not able to let of my guard and snooze). It lasted until near noon only he came to me… and I have to give in to him due to the discomfort. (engorged la!)
In the morning when I woke up, of course I feel the discomfort in boobies due to the prolong hours of not nursing him. I tried to express it out. While expressing, seeing all the milk goes into the sink, this very sad thought flushed through my mind. The thought of ”dried” up and not producing anymore milk just saddened me.  It has been 2 long years (short of two weeks la) that I’ve been ”producing milk” …and the thought of giving up just a little too much to bear but certainly this cannot last a life time. Maybe I’m still not ready to wean him yet…maybe should just let him self wean.

Lets see how it goes tonight whether he will ask for nen nen or not.

Worries

From the moment when one embarked into the journey of parenthood/motherhood, inevitably all the worries start setting in.

During pregnancy, one can’t help to worry about the fetus in the womb, whether he/she’s  going to be normal and heahtly.

After the baby’s born..more worries follow. From babyhood to pre-schooler it’s mainly worrying about their health.

After the enter school…it’s whether they can excel and be good. Worrying about bad influences in school, worry about being bully, worrying about being rape, being kidnapped

Once they enter their teens…. we cant help to worry about mixing with the wrong peer, drug abuse, take up smoking, having sex too early, unwanted pregnancy, run away, become a gay or lesbian, gangsterism..

When they started learning to drive or ride a bike, we have another worry if they will be careful enough not to be involved in traffic accident.

Later we will worry if they can secure a good job, to have a comfortable life and so on

The list goes on and on.. Is it just me that’s over sensitive and kan cheong or all the parents are the same?

I know family upbringing and religion will play and important role to guide them in certain areas but still I have loads of worries.

As a mother now, I understand why my parents are so strict and have so many curfews on me, it’s just because they have worries and they are trying to protect me…even until this day. Along the way, the learn to let go, but that doesn’t mean the worries is lessen. It’s a life long job as parents, it’s a life long bundle of worries we bear with us as a parents.