March 7, 2011

Once in a while I have blues out of no reason. Everything just seems not right , feeling lost, unworthy and inferior.

It is going to be the 7th year since I quit my job to be a SAHM. When I quit my job, I told myself it is only going to be temporary and once the kids are old enough, I will return to work force. 7th years had gone by and I am still stuck at home.

I don’t know what I have accomplished. I don’t know what I am good at. I have tried to pick up some hobbies and interests, but everything that I dabble my hands on, I never seems to excel in it. It is always half bucket water that leads me to no where. I don’t get the sense of satisfaction. I see so many SAHM or even working mothers who are so talented. They can sew, knit, design, bake, cook, decorate cakes, beading and even photography that can be turned into something profitable and hence giving them a sense of self worth, but I don’t have these skills.  I don’t have the creativity in craft either in bento-ing or felt craft that can make me feels good. I don’t write well, I am penniless to the extend that I can shop as I like nor go for a all girls travel. I don’t have a career and I don’t have a fix income/saving.  I am not business minded to do sales or multilevel marketing. I see friends having soaring online business and I am no body with nothing.  I really don’t know what I can do.

Supposedly to be a SAHM, I should manage the home well but I don’t think I have done a good job as a wife. I don’t think I have met my husband expectation in cooking as well as the tidiness of the house. I am always exhausted to be attentive to his need.

Supposedly to be a SAHM, I shall have more time to spend with the children, but I don’t think I have done enough for them compare to many homeschool mothers. They are really so thoughtful in planning their syllabus and day activities. All I am doing for my children is only meeting their very basic needs and nothing else, nothing more.

So I am neither here nor there.

I don’t know if holding a job with a fixed salary will give me back some self worth but what kind of job will give me the flexibility  so that my children’s welfare is not jeopardize? A 9 – 5 job is definitely out, so as MLM or being a insurance agent. ( I don’t like hard selling). I don’t know what is best for me , for the family and the children. Now that the maid is leaving, I can forsee that I will have more this kind of blues in future to be stuck at home.