Parenting Style

November 17, 2006

With the technology advancement today, many informations can be easily obtained. In my stereotype mind, I thought all educated parents are IT savvy and that they would obtained the latest best parenting style from the cyberworld.  I always have the impression that all educated parents should be pro-breastfeeding and practise attachment parenting. ( I have these impression maybe the parents I mingle with are all pro-breastfeeding and practise attachment parenting) It was like a shocker to me know to know recently that not all parents have the same mind and thinking as me and certainly have a very different approach in parenting.

Though a college or university grad, many still practise the parenting style of their parents or grandparents. (My mother never interfere with my parenting style, though I know her thinking is modern for her time, but now she admits that at that time, information are hard to get and some of the things she did were wrong and she only realize it now after reading newspaper now. My mum cut out newspaper cutting on the latest parenting style for my reference)

Many still think that Formula milk is better than breastmilk.  These parents will look at me as if I’m a alien who has breastfed and still nursing my 2 year old boy. Many think that the attachement parenting I’m practising will make my kids too attached to me and that I’m not training them to be indepedent and that I have neglect myself. I’m one who will bring along my kids with me everywhere I go. I got remark “wah… u bring your kids here ah?” ( The tone is like..see I left my kids at home and now I can enjoy the party..unlike you have to take care of your kids during this outing.)

 I know of a mother whose 7 yrs old is sent to day care after school each day and the 4 years old also to day care after kindy. Father working oversea. Grandparents staying with them to look after the kids after they return from day care in the evening and of course be the kid’s driver. School holiday approaching, grandparents wanted to balik kampung for holiday, they can only manage to bring back one of the grandkids as they not capable of taking care of both. The mother said “aiyo…i have plenty of work in the office, I cannot come home early to pick my son back from day care’. In my mind I was thinking “HELLO…THIS IS YOUR OWN SON. WHY PUSH THE RESPONSIBLITY OF TAKING CARE OF THE SON AND CHAUFFERING HIM TO THE OLD FOLKS’. The youngest kid has been staying with the grandparents in the kampung since birth, only move back to her parents home at age 3, even that the grandparents sascrifice leaving their own home and moved along with the 3 year old. If dont want to take care of kids…why give birth at the every first place. Career more important than kids? There are some mum who place their own interest on themself rather than on the kids.

Another SAHM of 3. Instead of taking care of the kids at home, she put all the 3 kids in nursery , kindergarten and after school care instead of looking after them herself. And she doesn’t cook… she caters! Her only task as a SAHM is to chauffeur the kids from one class to another. Her kids are attending various enrichment classes and is encouraged to attend various competition. All she cares about is how many medal and how many prices can the kids bring back.

I’m one parent who is zealous and send my girl to enrichment class, but I do not place high expectation on her to be the best of all. My purpose is for her to gain knowledge and not to show off that she’s the best and can win how many prices and competition.  It has never cross my mind that I can actually sent her in for competition since she has learned so and so. Only get to know recently that the purpose of other parents sent their kids to enrichment class is for the end result and how many prices the kids can win back.

One mother from the music class failed to supervise her kids to do homework. Week after week this pair of twin never do their music homework. It’s not that tough , I wonder why this mother cannot even spare that 5 to 10 minutes to guide the kids to do homework. I dont think it’s a very much request for just 10 minutes of her time for just one day of the week, the homework isn’t that tough actually… why bother to sent the kids to class if at home the mother is not willing to spent time to at least check their homework??? My maid see this case also shake her head on this mother’s attitude.

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Formula Milk

November 9, 2006

I wonder if the formula milk including the follow up ones is having some kind of yucky smell or taste if it’s not drank from the bottle.

My kids have no problem drinking fresh milk from the cup, WH even have no problem drinking Sustagen from the cup, but when I get them to drink their formula milk from the cup, the funny “gelli” look is well written all over their face. Why huh??

Shall I give them fresh milk in cup (but to my Asian mentality, I still think formula milk is vital for their growing up), or shall I just stick on to Formula milk in bottle (this one giving me lot of headache because JS treats the bottle like a pacifier). I know formula in cup will not really work….

*writing this because i’m trying to wean JS from the bottle again after the first failed attempt months ago. With bottle, she can drink up to 48Oz of milk per day, without bottle, she only takes about 18Oz and the same amount of food with or without bottle*

Is formula milk which has been added with AAA…BBB…XXXX that essential to a growing kids? Wouldn’t fresh milk just be enough…. I know that kids in “ang moh” country including Australia  just drink fresh milk after they turn 1 and not formula…. Why we asian so kiasu hor???


Touched

October 20, 2006

Last night after got back home from music lesson, my big and small bosses requested for supper. So off I went to steam bun for the small bosses and cook instant noodle for the big boss…

While wanted to bring out the instant noodle to serve my big boss, I accidentally knocked at one of the rack and the hot boiling soup scalded my left hand…ouch..damn pain (lucky the kids were no where around me)

Of course after the incident, I was in a very foul mood (was already a little unhappy on the way back about some comments hub made in the car)  and grumpy… blaming the super small kitchen, the narrow exit from kitchen to dinning area, complaining about no build-in in this house (good thing we will be getting our own much spacious house in 2 years time, just signed S&P last week..yeah!!), blaming the safety gate at the kitchen entrance and grumbled grumbled grumbled..but never admit own clumsiness ..hiaks…

After the kids had their supper, I was changing them into their pj. JS said “what happened? Why you look so sad” , I just said “pain”, still very moody. And she suddenly gave me a paper and said “mummy, I gave you a paper” (at first glance what I saw was just a small piece of blank paper )  Then I turned over the paper and saw a big heart shape that she has drawn. She said “I draw this heart for you”. I was so touched by her loving gesture that I weeped like a “soh poh” and hugged her so tight for so long. At that instant, the pain seems to have vanished. It may not be her best drawing, just a quick scribble, but I was all so emotional with just a simple drawing like that. I cried not because of the pain, but I was deeply touched. It certainly cleared off all the blues in me. In that instance, I felt there’s still someone standing by me despite all my imperfectness (again about big boss’s comments)

She was extremely sensitive last night too, instead of her usual pampered and demanding and fierce bossy tone, she talked in a very adult like tone.

“Mummy, no need to cook anymore la, we just eat at the restaurant”

“Mummy, I help you clean up the place”

“Mummy, I help you hold…”

“Mummy, let me blow for you, still pain or not”

Even WH also came to me , put his hand on my shoulder and said “Urve (love) Mummy”


Random Thoughts

October 14, 2006

I always thought that teaching pre-schooler/toddler is an easy job and I thought I could really spent time to do home school, play with my kids. But boy…I’m so wrong. Maybe I’m lack of patient and consistency and I think I’m a very lazy person too. Maybe teaching other people’s children is easier than teaching my own kids.

Someday I find the right way to teach JS, coach her and do revision with her, but other days the same method will not work, I still haven’t find tune a perfect way to coach her.

Someday I’m just so focus and enthusiasted and have so much ideas in my mind on what to do with them, but sometimes I just lack the interest (maybe should say plain lazy) that I just brushed them aside and get them to play by themselves or just watch the TV. That makes me very guilty.

Now I understand why so many parents sent their kids for extra lessons…maybe they are just lazy like me and trying to get a easy way out by pushing the responsibility to tuition centers and child enrichment centers. Isn’t that what I’m doing now? Instead of putting in more effort, time and attention to JS, I’m pushing her off to one after another classes and yet I’m complaining about driving around, spending time on the road…how ironic and contradicting thoughts.

A year of schooling almost ending, but I can see that JS has not fully comprehend what is taught in school. Initially I just want her to go socialize and not so much emphazise on academic, but when I look at her achievements, I can’t help to my this dissapointment in me.  Naturally I blame it on the school system, everything is taught too hastically in order to finish off the syllabus instead of making sure the children knows and fully comprehend everything that is taught (Phonics, suku kata, spellings, the words she has learn in school but still cannot recognize). She can recognize the words I taught her at home but whatever is learned in school doesn’t seems to have imprinted in her little mind.  But again, can I solely blame the school and teacher whereby I don’t even put in the effort to do revision with her. Of course again I have another excuse that I dont really know the syllabus and what is taught in school except the few writing homeworks (no text book is brought home)

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For the past few weeks, I tried to put aside everything and really concentrate on the kids, really sit down and spent time with full concentration/attention (which means no blogging in mind, no thinking of what to cook). I felt good for a while, as if a big accomplishment on really concentrating on the kids…but really, I don’t have the consistency to do that daily. By doing so, means I will neglect other things like hubby and the household stuff and of course my course work and my “ME TIME” of sitting in front of the PC blogging and blog hopping and reading my books (yea…me a book worm) and I can even lack the momentum in doing other things like cooking/trying new recipes and other stuff…I can be so focus on the kids and I tend to neglect other things around me.

That makes me think, what’s my main objective of giving up my job. Obviously I give up my job to become SAHM (I gave up my job for my kids sake, not because I want to be a housewife) Which means my priority should be the kids and household stuff and cooking should come later (or is it by quiting office job, one have to take all the responsibility of taking care of the kids, household, husband, cook and chauffeur??). To think of it, have I been a good SAHM? I certainly have not excel in being a wife and a cook, have I done enough as a stay home mum?  Beside cooking nutritionus for them, see that they are well fed, nurture them, taking care of them physically, bathe them, put them to sleep and the routine bed time story,  have I actually done enough for them in their mental and emotional growth? By staying home, have I really spent enough quality time with them? Beside making my presence felt around them, what different have I made compare to them been taken care of by maid or grandparents if  what I do at home is just to spent most of my time in front of the PC or in the kitchen and on the road?  Maybe I’m very poor in time management, that’s why I failed to strike a balance in everything. I’m neither good in spending time caring them nor am I good in my housewife role. I really feel that I have not excel in mothering them and I certainly have not excel in cooking and taking care of my husband. Am I putting too much expectation in myself in my motherly role and housewife role?

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Sometimes I have so much in my mind about the things I want to complete and do and when I’m attending to my kids, I will be very impatient and I usually lost my cool easily. How many times have I warned myself to be patient…I can see that JS is picking up my temper and bad habit (it’s like a video recorder of her showing my bad days..that’s really scary and alarming). Always I have this thought that “Tomorrow, I will spent time with them” or “let me finish my assignment/blog first” and the tomorrow never comes because I’m just too addicted to the PC. This is one reason I hated myself and I see it as a failure in mothering them.


Worries

October 13, 2006

From the moment when one embarked into the journey of parenthood/motherhood, inevitably all the worries start setting in.

During pregnancy, one can’t help to worry about the fetus in the womb, whether he/she’s  going to be normal and heahtly.

After the baby’s born..more worries follow. From babyhood to pre-schooler it’s mainly worrying about their health.

After the enter school…it’s whether they can excel and be good. Worrying about bad influences in school, worry about being bully, worrying about being rape, being kidnapped

Once they enter their teens…. we cant help to worry about mixing with the wrong peer, drug abuse, take up smoking, having sex too early, unwanted pregnancy, run away, become a gay or lesbian, gangsterism..

When they started learning to drive or ride a bike, we have another worry if they will be careful enough not to be involved in traffic accident.

Later we will worry if they can secure a good job, to have a comfortable life and so on

The list goes on and on.. Is it just me that’s over sensitive and kan cheong or all the parents are the same?

I know family upbringing and religion will play and important role to guide them in certain areas but still I have loads of worries.

As a mother now, I understand why my parents are so strict and have so many curfews on me, it’s just because they have worries and they are trying to protect me…even until this day. Along the way, the learn to let go, but that doesn’t mean the worries is lessen. It’s a life long job as parents, it’s a life long bundle of worries we bear with us as a parents.


Driver Role

October 11, 2006

Apart from sending JS to and fro from school daily (mon-fri), I’m on the road more since last month. Monday afternoon and Tuesday night for Chinese class, Thursday night for music Friday night for maths. Sometimes it’s like I haven’t even heated up the cushion at home and I’m out from the house again.  Schedule got a little disrupted and minus of those marketing/shopping time, it’s like I barely have enough time to finish off a task without interruption. With a little time here and there left in between on the road, I actually cant acomplish much I wanted to do at home.

I’m one that hate commuting and driving around places… I rather sit at home..but now, look what I’m getting myself into. So often than not this happen in my mind, one side of me say “Sit home la…skip class, lazy to drive out” but another side of me will “get your lazy butt up….do it for your girl, it’s for her good“In the name of JS’s benefit. The KIASU MUM syndrome.

How long can this last, I dont know….maybe one day I’m tired of driving in and out I will totally give up on sending her to these enrichment classes. I had promised myself before not to send her to too many of these classes (so that I dont have to drive out so often, so that she can have much relaxing time at home) ….but I’m eating my own words.

I really dont know how these mum in the big city does it..sending their kids from one class to another almost daily. Dont they feel tire driving in and out and getting caught in the jam? Secretly making a vow again that when we go back to the city, when JS started formal schooling…I dont want to send her to too many extra classes…. I just hate driving around.


Caught Red Handed

October 10, 2006

I wonder has any parents who co-sleep with their toddlers/pre-schooler encounter this. Being bumped into when you and your partner are in a hot steamy session. 😛 How would you react? What would you tell/explain to them?

This happened sometimes back. During the kids afternoon nap..suddenly JS woke up when we were in the midst of *ahem*….I quickly get her back to sleep by lying down beside her, good thing I’m not totally naked.. She didnt question me..and all of us fell asleep…. Later in the night she asked me (I thought she has forgotten all about what happen in the afternoon or too blurry eyes to see what’s going on) “mummy, why just now you never wear pants one…..” :$ aaa…eerrr…ahhh… “ooh..mummy want to go toilet , but you woke up”  What a lame excuse/answer.

I wish I have the humour to tell her “yea lo..mummy trying to make a mei mei for you ma”  unfortunately as much open minded as I wish to be and try to be, I’m still somewhat a reserved Asian. My first reaction is quickly brush it off/hide it. It’s not a taboo… yup..one day I will teach her the things she suppose to know…but at this moment , I think it will be too much for her to comprehend and digest..now is not the right time yet. How would you react? By the way I just hope she wont be that big mouth to go announce to everybody on what she saw. (Some of my mum’s students in pre-school do announce that in school to teachers and friends)

I bumped into my parents once before, when I was 9 or 10 ..somehow at that age, I knew what was going on. I remembered hearing my mum asked my dad “sei la…what to tell her tomorrow huh?” but the next day came…i just pretend I see /hear nothing…i didn’t bring it up , I didn’t keh poh …and they also never brought it up and let it pass as if nothing happen.

Hubby also had the experience on bumping into his parents once when he was quite old already..maybe in secondary school… they just pretend nothing happen..dont see…dont talk…

With the kids arival…intimacy session no longer is lovey romantic and slow pace. It’s a luxury if we can find time and opportunity for this romantic session. So often than not it ended up as a quicky or even lucky enough not be interrupted during these quicky sessions. Many nights we wanted to wait them to fall asleep before having couple time, but ended up hubby snoring and me half in dreamland way before they slept. I wonder why somehow the kids can sense it during the time the parents want to be intimate. When we are in the mood (that’s so so rare because of the exhaustion of work and taking care of them), usually it takes longer to get the kids to fall asleep or even sleep through soundly… no matter how quiet and discreet, most often they still stir from their sleep when you are in the midst of action..ooh..so potong steam…. these are the time that I can’t wait for them to sleep in their own room….