Blues

March 7, 2011

Once in a while I have blues out of no reason. Everything just seems not right , feeling lost, unworthy and inferior.

It is going to be the 7th year since I quit my job to be a SAHM. When I quit my job, I told myself it is only going to be temporary and once the kids are old enough, I will return to work force. 7th years had gone by and I am still stuck at home.

I don’t know what I have accomplished. I don’t know what I am good at. I have tried to pick up some hobbies and interests, but everything that I dabble my hands on, I never seems to excel in it. It is always half bucket water that leads me to no where. I don’t get the sense of satisfaction. I see so many SAHM or even working mothers who are so talented. They can sew, knit, design, bake, cook, decorate cakes, beading and even photography that can be turned into something profitable and hence giving them a sense of self worth, but I don’t have these skills.  I don’t have the creativity in craft either in bento-ing or felt craft that can make me feels good. I don’t write well, I am penniless to the extend that I can shop as I like nor go for a all girls travel. I don’t have a career and I don’t have a fix income/saving.  I am not business minded to do sales or multilevel marketing. I see friends having soaring online business and I am no body with nothing.  I really don’t know what I can do.

Supposedly to be a SAHM, I should manage the home well but I don’t think I have done a good job as a wife. I don’t think I have met my husband expectation in cooking as well as the tidiness of the house. I am always exhausted to be attentive to his need.

Supposedly to be a SAHM, I shall have more time to spend with the children, but I don’t think I have done enough for them compare to many homeschool mothers. They are really so thoughtful in planning their syllabus and day activities. All I am doing for my children is only meeting their very basic needs and nothing else, nothing more.

So I am neither here nor there.

I don’t know if holding a job with a fixed salary will give me back some self worth but what kind of job will give me the flexibility  so that my children’s welfare is not jeopardize? A 9 – 5 job is definitely out, so as MLM or being a insurance agent. ( I don’t like hard selling). I don’t know what is best for me , for the family and the children. Now that the maid is leaving, I can forsee that I will have more this kind of blues in future to be stuck at home.

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When We Are Not Talking… The Messenger

November 2, 2006

I must confess that our marriage and my relationship with my hubby is not always lovey dovey, honey and bee. Very so often we have disagreement and we quarrel (actually hor…usually quarrel on none important stuffs) and if big quarrel, we can go on not talking to each other for many days, not even sms, email or phone call (yea yea..I know this is not heathly, as we shall not sleep over the matter and must reconcile before bedtime)

Both of us also very “ai bin” , we are both very proud to give in to say sorry and admit that we are wrong… it actually just take a simple step to put down the pride and mellow down, but during big quarrel, none of us is willing to move a step back (of course  after a few days of cold war, I’m the one who approach him first !! That’s how Dai Lam Yan my man is..blame it that he’s a Leo)

Monday night we quarrel again for no particular reason and I had a big outburst. To think of it, we always wasting our time quarreling on no issue. Of course we didn’t talk after that.

Tuesday night, we were still in cold war. I didn’t even cook dinner. The house was dead quiet except the few little sound from the kids. For two nights we slept in different rooms. Again I wanted very much to say sorry , give him a hug and say “love you” (which was how I felt and still feeling so strong at this moment) but I was too proud to bend down. After I picked JS up from her mandarin class, I tar pau supper for him. Still didn’t talk to him and ask him to eat. Instead my little messenger/the middle man — JS lah, came in handy. I got her to go ask daddy to eat supper….. But it didn’t work, hubby still dont buy to my apologize that way…

Wednesday evening, after he got back from work, still no improvement. The two of us is still not in talking term. The kids would usually greets him excitely when he walks in the house, but that’s all about it. The kids never go near daddy without my prompting  (see ..how important I’m to bond the kids with their father) , they will stick to me like glue eventhough daddy’s home. Since I’m not playing the linking role for the past 2 nights for the kids to go near daddy , the house has been dead quiet.

I did cook dinner on Wednesday, but I didn’t call him to eat. I got JS to do so instead. “Go call daddy come and eat” I have also made juice, but still too proud to serve him “bring this juice to daddy, be careful” …again I get JS to serve him… he did eat dinner and finish the drink (which mean he’s not angry with me anymore la…i guess).

I think my poor man was really isolated and lonely at home. At least when we fight, I still get to talk to the maid and the kids at home, but for him under this circumstances he’s all by himself, very left out.

He must have so much to talk and so much that he wanted to tell me but again too proud to do so. JS came in handy again. Our messenger…. He told JS that he wanted to tell her story, JS as usual never really entertain/pay full attention to him. She was busy playing with my palm handheld, reading her books and flash cards and my poor man just keep on talking and talking. He kept saying “come la, daddy tell story” “Come la..daddy haven’t finish the story yet” What he told her was actually what happened during the day , the things he wanted to share with me. Again too proud to approach me, he use JS’s as a messenger and talks to me indirectly. I wanted very much to laugh…. to laugh at JS’s reaction as the parents put her in the role of being the messenger… I wanted to laugh because my poor man keeps talking and didn’t manage to stir an interest in his girl, I wanted to laugh at JS’s role as our messenger,  I wanted to laugh because my man sounded so pity that no ones talk to him…. but I refrain myself from laughing out….

OK..tonight we shall patch things up, I shall put down my pride to tell him how much I love him.


Caught Red Handed

October 10, 2006

I wonder has any parents who co-sleep with their toddlers/pre-schooler encounter this. Being bumped into when you and your partner are in a hot steamy session. 😛 How would you react? What would you tell/explain to them?

This happened sometimes back. During the kids afternoon nap..suddenly JS woke up when we were in the midst of *ahem*….I quickly get her back to sleep by lying down beside her, good thing I’m not totally naked.. She didnt question me..and all of us fell asleep…. Later in the night she asked me (I thought she has forgotten all about what happen in the afternoon or too blurry eyes to see what’s going on) “mummy, why just now you never wear pants one…..” :$ aaa…eerrr…ahhh… “ooh..mummy want to go toilet , but you woke up”  What a lame excuse/answer.

I wish I have the humour to tell her “yea lo..mummy trying to make a mei mei for you ma”  unfortunately as much open minded as I wish to be and try to be, I’m still somewhat a reserved Asian. My first reaction is quickly brush it off/hide it. It’s not a taboo… yup..one day I will teach her the things she suppose to know…but at this moment , I think it will be too much for her to comprehend and digest..now is not the right time yet. How would you react? By the way I just hope she wont be that big mouth to go announce to everybody on what she saw. (Some of my mum’s students in pre-school do announce that in school to teachers and friends)

I bumped into my parents once before, when I was 9 or 10 ..somehow at that age, I knew what was going on. I remembered hearing my mum asked my dad “sei la…what to tell her tomorrow huh?” but the next day came…i just pretend I see /hear nothing…i didn’t bring it up , I didn’t keh poh …and they also never brought it up and let it pass as if nothing happen.

Hubby also had the experience on bumping into his parents once when he was quite old already..maybe in secondary school… they just pretend nothing happen..dont see…dont talk…

With the kids arival…intimacy session no longer is lovey romantic and slow pace. It’s a luxury if we can find time and opportunity for this romantic session. So often than not it ended up as a quicky or even lucky enough not be interrupted during these quicky sessions. Many nights we wanted to wait them to fall asleep before having couple time, but ended up hubby snoring and me half in dreamland way before they slept. I wonder why somehow the kids can sense it during the time the parents want to be intimate. When we are in the mood (that’s so so rare because of the exhaustion of work and taking care of them), usually it takes longer to get the kids to fall asleep or even sleep through soundly… no matter how quiet and discreet, most often they still stir from their sleep when you are in the midst of action..ooh..so potong steam…. these are the time that I can’t wait for them to sleep in their own room….


I Love You

September 11, 2006

Sometime ago I wrote this. During our courting years we were very lovey dovey, we hold hands, we steal kisses whenever possible, even for a mere few second in front of the traffic lights….but things changed when the kids came along.

After I have written that post, I took the initiative to say the three magical words to my man when I feel like it…but now, it sounded a little strange…. it sounded more like saying it for the fun of it and no more mushy mushy feeling, it’s hard to express the mushy mushy feeling in my heart through these three words anymore.

How strange things changed…even it’s still the same three words …. the feeling is still there , but the way it’s expressed in no longer the same…

Now, I get the daily “I love you” with hug and kisses and with full of affection from my girl instead…..she would got “I love you mummy”, over and over again many times a day….


Protected: Infidelity

August 12, 2006

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His Time, My Time, Couple Time

August 11, 2006

A friend who’s busy preparing her wedding asked me this question recently “Do you spent all your time with your husband? Do you have your time and he his time” She was so stressed up with her wedding preparation that she was hoping for a break from her hubby, to take a breath and take off her attention somewhere else.

OK..back to her question. The first answer that quickly flashed through my mind was “Shit hor… i spent most of my time for my family only hor!Where’s my ME time?? I dont have any ME TIME”

The time without kids and when newly married, HIS TIME, MY TIME, COUPLE TIME….. No problem… it’s ANYTIME. We have so much control on our own time, what things we want to do on our own, as a couple or as a family and it was really very flexible.

After JS’s arrival, my life was/ME TIME being:

  • When I was in the office, to be able to mingle with colleagues, gossip, adult interaction (not the baby-ish/childish questions and answers).
  • Able to work and surf net without interruption.
  • Having a quiet peaceful lunch break with/without colleagues.
  • Go shopping during lunch break at own leisure.
  • Go for a nice hairwash or massage after work before picking JS up from the babysitter.

Couple Time:

  • Some nights hubby and me will go for dinner at restaurant before picking JS up from babysitter’s place.
  •  Weekends, SIL will volunteer to look after JS with MIL’s help so that hubby and me can go “pak tor”.
  • We managed to take days off to Bangkok and Shanghai for holidays without JS. (We left JS with the sitter. At time time I didn’t really know how to treasure this couple time and missed JS dearly, now looking back, it’s a luxury at that time to be temporary away from the kids)

After WH came along. I’m officially a FULL TIME HOUSEWIFE and my life goes like this:

  • Full time staying home with the kids. Tending to them, thinking of what to cook ALL THE TIME.
  • When I’m out from the house, I’m always with one or both kids, usually doing groccery shopping for the household or sending/picking JS to/from school. No more shopping/outing for myself.
  • When I ever got a chance to go to the hair saloon, it’s the time that my hair badly needed to be trimmed or perm so I don’t look “Ah Soh” and again I have to drag the kids along.
  • When I’m at home, when doing “big business” in the toilet, there’s constant knocking at the toilet door. Big one goes “mummy, what you doing inside? Why so long one”, the small one goes “mummy, mummy” follow by more knocking at the door. Same goes to when I’m bathing…so it’s always “Mandi Kerbau”, always doing it hurrily.
  • When I’m sitting in front of the pc. I have the small one latch on to my boobies or someone sitting on my lap trying to take over the mouse from me, or someone lurking nearby attempting to press on the OFF button on the PC.
  • Facial ah? When was the last time huh??
  • Massage…the only rare occation was when hubby was away on business trip, even then I have to drag my kids along…so not 100% relaxation.
  • When I’m reading the newspaper/magazine/book there’s someone looking over me and asked me “Mummy, what’s this?” “mummy, what are you reading?” or baby goes “car, car, car”
  • When I’m listening to my song, big one goes “mummy, I dont like your song, I want my song”
  • The whole day I hear is mummy I want…., mummy do …..

So my ME TIME is left when the kids are napping in the afternoon, where I got to “date” with the PC without interruption, but again most often the kids would cry and I have to go put them back to sleep and again start to think/prepare for dinner.

Couple time:

  • Minimal.
  • We hardly go out alone anymore. We only try to hold hands when there’s family outings when the kids can be taken care off by their aunties/grandparents.
  • At home, hubby’s usually snoring away well even before the kids were asleep (so where got couple time???)
  • Weekends ah?? SIL never offer to take care of the kids anymore. She alone cannot handle 2 of them unless the maid’s around or someone else around. Each weekend morning, hubby sents the maid to MIL’s house to help out. So again, I am left to attend to my kids all by myself while hubby has got his time off!! It’s sad that we dont do things together already. When he needs to go to the bank, he goes early himself during weekend. Need something from Jusco or Ikea, he would go alone because he doesn’t want to wait for me to get the kids ready and they gets up late!! He said that we are wasting his time, there would be lots of people, no parking by the time we are ready. 😦 (Not to say I’m not willing to spare my maid to my MIL, but I hate the “ngi ngi ngor ngor, ngam ngam cham cham, yim yim chim chim” afterwards, like picking a needle from the hay and always blame me for not hawking at my maid when she’s working)
  • Holidaying without the kids? Dared not dream and hope!

This is HIS TIME (before kids and after kids seems no different)

  • He goes for a hair wash after work whenever he feels like it/when he’s tired
  • He goes for facial whenever he feels like it
  • He goes to the driving range whenever he feels like it. (now no more, coz no more driving range here)
  • He goes out for a drink with his friend and colleague after work and sometimes during weekend (though he made it less frequent)
  • He goes to the cinema alone when there’s a movie he wanted to watch.
  • He goes to the gym on weekend (lately he cancelled his gym membership)
  • He goes for breakfast with his dad once a week, follow by shopping for whatever he thinks the house needed (I miss shopping together with him for the house) or banking or to the temple or whatever errands for his sisters and parents, at the same time he takes away my maid to help his mum, leaving me alone at SIL’s place with 2 kids.
  • He watches the TV/VCD/Movies alone when I’m busy reading to the kids, changing cleaning them and putting them to sleep.
  • Playing host/trying to be hospitable to company visitors from oversea though it’s not necessary (but have to lah…pulling string/networking)

To think of it, besides the one two hours a day in front of the PC, I’m having no ME TIME. I never have chance to go out by myself, to meet up with my friends (hey! do I still have friends???). I forgo weekly hair wash at saloon, weekly massage, and monthly facial. I still haven’t figure out time to go complete my slimming programme. For him, he got the flexibility to go out whenever he wants, all he needs to do is just to inform me, wherease mine with string of attachements need to carefully plan ahead and a lot of consideration to be taken.

I try not to compare and have too much expectation as this will surely leads into an argument. I stop questioning whether this is fair or not. I stop hoping that he would be sensitive enough to spare me some time off. If I stop comparing and even think about it, I would be less unhappy. Maybe to him, staying at home with a maid is not stressful and already have sufficient ME TIME. We used to argue before and I got very angry with his insensitive remark “Give you a maid already still don’t know how to manage your time, poor time management” I get so angry with him from not understanding my daily routine. Shops beside Giant dont open until as late as 10am – 11am. I need to sent JS to school and need to be there before 12pm to pick her up, where got time to go my own thing beside shopping for the household. After picking JS from school need to rush back to settle her, feed her lunch, changed let her nap. I’m not that cruel and selfish to want my kids to sascrifices their nap time for my own pleasure. Somemore need to prepare for what to cook for dinner, I’m sure if we do go out in the afternoon, then I will left with no time to prepare/cook dinner on time to serve him warm fresh cooking upon him reaching home from work. I’m not allow to leave the maid at home with the kids and go out by myself. So if bringing the maid out means I’m taking away her time for helping the house chores..things like that he doesn’t see…. so I stop bringing it up and stop the argument.

I keep telling myself that his day at work is never easy and can be quite stressful and being the sole breadwinner of the household, he deserve to destress the way he does, having his HE TIME, no question shall be asked and no comparison shall be made. And I’m just a submissive wife, stayed home, no job, with maid, what more shall I ask. Some more men need to socialize/have some networking so I shall never stop him from meeting up with his “Kaki”. I shall be contented that when he’s having HIS TIME, he’s not up to any harm to the family like gambling, drinking, smoking and having other SYT else where. At least I’ve been informed ahead and I know his whereabout.

It’s very much depend on individual how one define having ME TIME. Giving it an inner thought, it wasn’t that bad after all, I still have my time in front of the PC blogging and I still have time to do my course.. so no complaint lah! Anyway I will be having full 11 days off in Nov for my course, 11 days by myself outside the house without kids! And going out less means less opportunity to overspent.


Grooming

July 24, 2006

Dressing up and making sure you look good is important, even more so for a homemaker/housewife. When you are a housewife, eventhough you work like a maid at home, but once step out of the house, you need to give people the impression that you are a “TAI TAI” instead of “AH SOH, WONG MIN POH”

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